ALWAYS & FOREVER
It never fails. At least once a week, I am asked the same question. I could be on the phone, out to lunch, doing an interview, talking to a client, or in aisle four. There is always one person who wants me to give them the amazing antidote, the secret sauce, the brilliant blueprint for how I do what I do.
You see, I am a wife and mom of seven. Through all the crazy chaos of my life, it is hard for some people to believe that I am still sane and genuinely happily married for almost fifteen years. When people ask, “How do you do it?” I tell them this truth: Anybody can get married. However, staying married is a whole different story.
If your goal is to get married and stay married, I submit to you the following antidote to divorce:
1. Respect
No matter how rose colored your glasses might be, real marriages go through real issues. While you may not like everything that your spouse says, or does, it is crucial that you respect each other. Respect each other by what you say, how you say it, and what you do.
No matter how rose colored your glasses might be, real marriages go through real issues. While you may not like everything that your spouse says, or does, it is crucial that you respect each other. Respect each other by what you say, how you say it, and what you do.
2. Reveal
Share your heart, hopes, dreams, victories, pain, and disappointments with your spouse. You nor your spouse are mind readers. It is unfair to expect your spouse to know your thoughts or needs all of the time. Your marriage should be filled with communication and revelation.
Share your heart, hopes, dreams, victories, pain, and disappointments with your spouse. You nor your spouse are mind readers. It is unfair to expect your spouse to know your thoughts or needs all of the time. Your marriage should be filled with communication and revelation.
3. Repent
There is a line in a novel that says, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I beg to differ. Staying married means saying, “I’m sorry” A LOT. When you have wronged your spouse, humbly say, “I was wrong,” “I am sorry,” and “Please forgive me.” Honestly, I have never known a marriage that fell to pieces because of an apology. In addition to saying, “I love you,” three of the most important words that you can ever say to your spouse are, “I am sorry.”
There is a line in a novel that says, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I beg to differ. Staying married means saying, “I’m sorry” A LOT. When you have wronged your spouse, humbly say, “I was wrong,” “I am sorry,” and “Please forgive me.” Honestly, I have never known a marriage that fell to pieces because of an apology. In addition to saying, “I love you,” three of the most important words that you can ever say to your spouse are, “I am sorry.”
4. Reward
Staying married requires learning the art of appreciation. There are a lot of things that are my husband’s and my responsibility to do for each other and our children. I love when my husband says, “Thank you”, for taking care of our children, or making dinner, or folding his laundry.” He loves when I thank him for working hard for our family, putting dishes away, making sure our bills are paid. Rewarding your spouse verbally or physically shows them that you don’t take the big or little things for granted.
Staying married requires learning the art of appreciation. There are a lot of things that are my husband’s and my responsibility to do for each other and our children. I love when my husband says, “Thank you”, for taking care of our children, or making dinner, or folding his laundry.” He loves when I thank him for working hard for our family, putting dishes away, making sure our bills are paid. Rewarding your spouse verbally or physically shows them that you don’t take the big or little things for granted.
5. Rely
You cannot stay married without trust. Marriages that don’t have trust don’t last long. Spouses need to be able to trust each other with their hearts, words, and actions. Marriages that are not built on trust and reliance will only last for a season.
You cannot stay married without trust. Marriages that don’t have trust don’t last long. Spouses need to be able to trust each other with their hearts, words, and actions. Marriages that are not built on trust and reliance will only last for a season.
6. Remember
Over time, your marriage will go through a financial, physical, emotional, and mental metamorphosis. Some change you will welcome, and some you won’t. Whether the road is rough or smooth, take time to remember the “WHY” in your marriage. Remember why you chose each other and why you started on this journey in the first place. Remember by yourself and remember together
7. Reciprocate
Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Marriage is about reciprocating love, honor, trust, gratitude. Marriage is for people who understand giving and serving. If you are a taker DO NOT get married.
Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Marriage is about reciprocating love, honor, trust, gratitude. Marriage is for people who understand giving and serving. If you are a taker DO NOT get married.
8. Re-evaluate
Have a time when you and your spouse evaluate and re-evaluate your marriage. Talk about what is working and what is not working. What does your marriage need more of or less of?
Have a time when you and your spouse evaluate and re-evaluate your marriage. Talk about what is working and what is not working. What does your marriage need more of or less of?
9. Rules of Engagement
Have rules of engagement for disagreements and conflict. Some good rules of engagement are: no leaving the house angry, no going to bed angry, no physical or verbal abuse, no slamming doors and destroying property, and no yelling. The last one is definitely for me because I am a recovering yeller.
Have rules of engagement for disagreements and conflict. Some good rules of engagement are: no leaving the house angry, no going to bed angry, no physical or verbal abuse, no slamming doors and destroying property, and no yelling. The last one is definitely for me because I am a recovering yeller.
10. Resolve
Resolve your conflicts with love and speed. It is fine to table a disagreement, especially when tempers run hot. However, lingering conflict left undealt with becomes oozing wounds that stink and never heal. Resolving conflict with love and speed closes the door on hurt, anger, unforgiveness, or anything or person that might try to sneak in to destroy your marriage.
Resolve your conflicts with love and speed. It is fine to table a disagreement, especially when tempers run hot. However, lingering conflict left undealt with becomes oozing wounds that stink and never heal. Resolving conflict with love and speed closes the door on hurt, anger, unforgiveness, or anything or person that might try to sneak in to destroy your marriage.
11. Reconnect
No matter how busy life gets, always make time to reconnect with your spouse verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually. There are 1440 minutes in a day. Find at least 60 minutes in your day to reconnect with your spouse. Plan date nights. Getaway together, without your children. Be intentional about how and when you spend time together.
No matter how busy life gets, always make time to reconnect with your spouse verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually. There are 1440 minutes in a day. Find at least 60 minutes in your day to reconnect with your spouse. Plan date nights. Getaway together, without your children. Be intentional about how and when you spend time together.
12. Regret Nothing
Do your best to have a marriage of no regrets. Does that mean that every day will be perfect? No. It means realizing that you and your spouse are gifts to each other. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Be responsible with your actions and your words today, so you don’t have to live with regret tomorrow.
Do your best to have a marriage of no regrets. Does that mean that every day will be perfect? No. It means realizing that you and your spouse are gifts to each other. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Be responsible with your actions and your words today, so you don’t have to live with regret tomorrow.
13. Repeat
Getting married is one thing, staying married is another. Staying married is a process that you will repeat over and over again. A wedding is meant to be a special day, but a marriage is everything that happens after you say, “I Do.” Embrace and enjoy the process.
Getting married is one thing, staying married is another. Staying married is a process that you will repeat over and over again. A wedding is meant to be a special day, but a marriage is everything that happens after you say, “I Do.” Embrace and enjoy the process.
Charlotte Avery is The Family Strategist™, author, speaker, and entrepreneur with a PhD in Motherhood. She is the wife of one, mom of seven, and the owner of no pets. Her new book, The 40-Day Tone of Voice Tone Down: Transform Your Relationships One Octave at a Time, and her first book, No One Ever Told Me…Witty, Practical and Spiritual Truths about Motherhood can be purchased at www.beingcharlotteavery.com. Like and follow Charlotte on social media on Facebook and Instagram at Being Charlotte Avery and Twitter @BeingCharlotteA
