Is Embracing Beauty “Age Appropriate?”
I’ve changed the title of this piece three times; Henry might change it again. When he asked me to write something about embracing beauty as one gets older, I thought, “Why? Do I look ‘older’? Older than – what, exactly?” And there, my friends, is the whole issue in a nutshell.
In a photo of my grandmother taken when she was in her early 50s, she looks much older than one of my clients today, who is about the same age, size and body type. It was the look of the time – rigid undergarments, button-down-the-front housedress, sturdy oxford shoes, short permed hair, no makeup. But she looked pretty much like other people’s grandmothers. Today our perceptions about aging have changed. We have more choices and fewer rules. We also have these phrases that describe our looks when we leave our 30s behind: “She looks good for her age.” “I hope I do/don’t look like that when I’m that old.” “She should really dress more age-appropriately.” “Do you think she’s had something done to her neck/forehead/whatever?” “Why doesn’t she have something done to her neck/forehead/whatever.” It’s a mixed message. Our culture does not value age, experience, and wisdom as much as it should, and that’s a shame. Who hasn’t said “If I knew then what I know now.” The only way you acquire that wisdom is the experience that comes with – wait for it – age.
So as I rush in where angels fear to tread, bear with my muddle of advice, observations, and random thoughts about embracing – perhaps after a struggle – beauty as you age.
From the Neck Up:
Skin Care: Clean your face gently and thoroughly. At night you need to get off all the grime and makeup from the day; in the morning, you just need to wash off whatever products you used at night to have a fresh start. Our skin cells turn over more slowly as we age, causing skin to look dull and dry, so help this process along a bit by either manual or chemical exfoliation. Don’t overdo it (you can make your face drier and irritated) and experiment with products and schedule until you get it right. Nighttime is your body’s chance to repair and renew itself, so use serums/creams/etc. that fit your problems (dryness, uneven pigment, whatever). Sunscreen all day every day is a must whether you expect to be outdoors or not, and whether you wear makeup or not. Keep your skin moist and protected indoors and out, day and night. I had an aunt who toasted herself in the sun every warm day of her entire life, and although she was at least a decade younger than another aunt who wore makeup every day for work in a ladies shop, Aunt #1 looked much older.
Makeup: Your skin will never again be as smooth as it was when you were 20, so help it along by using a primer, which will help fill in and blur the look of fine lines, pores, and evens out texture as well as helps makeup go on smoothly. Resist the urge to powder over your whole face as powder tends to settle into lines. Metallic, glittery textures look best on super-smooth skin; matte or satin eyeshadows usually look better on eyelids that are beginning to line and crease. A dark matte lip can be aging as it emphasizes lines and makes lips look thinner, while a super-gooey gloss will migrate into lines around the mouth; try lip color with a little shine and moisture to it. If lipstick wanders into lines around your mouth, use a transparent wax lip pencil to outline. A cream blush may be a better choice than powder as it is easily blendable on drier skin. If eyeliner pencil fades or creeps into lines, try a gel instead. Rather than try to draw a precise line, smudge liner into the base of the lashes. Eyelashes thin with age – try a conditioning product at night. Channeling the 1980s (vivid makeup and lots of it) is a bad idea, but clearer colors tend to be a better choice for skin that is getting paler, more ashy, or has uneven tone. Very muted blush and lip colors will tend to wash you out, and brown eye shadows may just make you look tired.
Hair: The best thing you can do about hair is to maintain it. Find a flattering cut and keep it up, in a style you can do yourself in the morning. Depending on how fast your hair grows, get it cut often enough that it looks more or less like the style your hairdresser gave you. Even if you have a short cut you want to grow out, when the ends of your hair start looking beat-up, you look tired and like you don’t care. As for color, either do it or don’t do it, but if you color your hair, touch up the roots regularly – again, this depends on how fast your hair grows. Half an inch of grey roots looks good on no one. Hair also gets more fragile, or more wiry, or changes in some way, not necessarily for the worse. I have a client who decided to stop torturing her naturally curly, salt-and-pepper hair – she looks great and gets an extra hour’s sleep every morning.
From the Neck Down:
Smooth the Bumps and Bulges: We associate rolls, bulges, and sags with age and weight gain, though I’ve seen plenty of bulges on very young women. This is what shapewear is for. Bras, Spanx, bodysuits – whatever kind of underwear you wear, it should do something to smooth, sleek, and keep everything where it belongs. Go for a professional bra fitting once a year, and replace your bras and shapewear at least once a year, because the elastic fibers break down after repeated wearing and washing. Our weight shifts around as we age, so try different styles, brands, and sizes – what you bought last time may not still work for you.
Distinguish Classic from Just Old: Never wear something just because you can still fit into it. While some pieces really are timeless classics (trench coats, Kelly bags), all eras have looks associated with them – big shoulder pads and big hair (1980s), boxy, pastel suits with pillbox hats (1960s). If you are young, it can look like a theatre costume. If you are older, wearing clothes that look like another era sends the message that you’ve been wearing them all these years and are stuck in a time warp. Keep an open mind, add new pieces, and retire the ones that look old.
Wear Sports Shoes for Sports: Athletic trainer shoes worn with absolutely everything, or those sturdy-looking super-padded shoes that make you look as though you’re on the mend from foot surgery, make you look elderly, infirm, or like you don’t care enough to put on something attractive or appropriate. Comfort matters but is often curiously unrelated to style – some of the most unflattering, practical-looking shoes are not a bit comfortable. Simply changing shoes can bring more relief to tired feet than wearing the same shoes no matter how padded.
Avoid Matching Everything (or Nothing): People used to wear matching suits, matching jewelry, matching shoes and bag; now it tends to read as stiff, inflexible, boring, and rather like a uniform. Break it up by wearing a print jacket with the black pants; an animal-print or metallic shoe; a scarf in a complimentary but different color. On the other hand, if your outfit is put together based on the order it came out of the clothes dryer, stop and give your appearance some thought. If you don’t look pulled-together, what does that say about the rest of your life?
If It Doesn’t Fit, Don’t Wear It: Poor fit is the number one faux pas that I see in my work. Clothes that are too tight, too baggy, buttons that gap at the bust, pants that are too long/too short, just bad fit – all send the message that you can’t pull yourself together and don’t care enough to try. Clothes need to be altered to fit you, and if something no longer fits because you’ve gained weight, lost weight, whatever, let it go. Keeping clothes we can’t wear takes up closet space and makes us feel bad about how we look now.
Now that I’ve shared all that practical advice, let me cite some examples. Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, is in her early 30s, so why am I talking about her? Because she always looks fabulous, classic, and elegant. (Right, it helps that she is naturally gorgeous.) She has a polished, ladylike look that will always be in style. She is never going to look at photos of herself in 20 or 30 years and say, “Oh my, what was I thinking?” Her look translates to any age, and no one would go amiss by emulating her style. Lena Horne is gone now, but even into her 90s when she died, she had a smile that could light up a baseball stadium, and always looked incredibly chic. She had graceful posture, a great sense of style, and even looked regal in the glittery purple costume from The Wiz, although her personal wardrobe was more understated. Then we have Iris Apfel, whose heavily accessorized wardrobe was featured in the Met’s costume exhibition a few years ago. That woman has more wild ethnic jewelry than everyone I know put together (including myself); startling, colorful clothes; and those big black-framed glasses. It’s her look, and if it’s your look, go for it. We all know her on sight and admire her for her bold, individual appearance. So much better, I think, than women who just fade into the woodwork. I once served on jury duty with a woman of a “certain age” who complained of being ignored. Not fair perhaps, but she wore these shapeless beige clothes, had this shapeless beige hair, wore no makeup or jewelry, and sat in a beige chair in front of a beige wall. It was hard to focus on her because there was nothing to focus on.
And that’s my point. It’s not about looking 30, or 40, or 10 years younger than you really are, it’s about looking good. The late Fernando Lamas, a dashing Latin leading man (you can still catch “Fantasy Island” reruns on retro TV channels), said it’s better to look good than to feel good. Maybe not, especially if you have health issues and really feel bad, but nonetheless, lots of studies have shown that when you look good, you do feel better. All my excellent advice notwithstanding, there is no one-size-fits-all formula for that. Let go of what you used to look like, think you ought to look like, what your mother looked like at your age, or what Jane Fonda looks like at her age, and do what makes you look good and feel good about how you look. Create a style that is attractive and that you are happy with and own it.
As I write this, I am dressed for yoga class, wearing my black yoga leggings with the giant pink peonies on them, a long black T-shirt, rubber sandals with rhinestones, two coats of mascara, and a lot of charcoal eyeshadow. I am a redhead and don’t even have eyes without makeup. And craft-show earrings that are way too big for yoga. I’ll take them off when I get there. Ms. Apfel would do the same.
